Today it’s been two years since I read “consistent with invasive ductal carcinoma” on my biopsy report. The time and space between then and now is unfathomable to me. Like 100 years wrapped into 730 days. I’m both surprised at how quickly I’ve jumped back into “normal” life and at how the memories of having cancer are still woven so carefully into my daily thoughts.
It probably doesn’t help that I work with other survivors on a daily basis so I’m constantly educating and supporting those people. But it’s not just that – my port scar, the faint tan from radiation, the tightness in my chest and shoulder are all physical reminders that keep me living with one foot in regular life and one in cancerland.
The healing doesn’t end when treatment ends. I am seeking out ways to calm my grief and anger over the fact that I went through something so life-altering at 30 years old. I am healing physically and trying to regain a lot of strength. I have residual pain from treatments, and my body physically reacts with anxiety any time I get a scan done. I am learning how to navigate new and old friendships without oversharing or totally withdrawing from the situation.
It might sound like a lot, and it is, but I promise that I do my best not to dwell on the hard parts of survivorship. I’m thankful to have more days to continue experiencing lovely things and connecting with my favorite people. If you want to read a more about my experience in survivorship so far, you can read my essay “Trusting the Redirection” in Wildfire Magazine’s Cancer Culture Issue from February/March 2022. Use code ‘FRIENDSANDFAMILY’ for 15% off.
I also had my annual mammogram and an additional ultrasound yesterday. The results came back clear, besides the ever/never-shrinking hematoma (so dramatic!) that I developed after my MRI biopsy in November. So all is technically well, and I’ll keep celebrating these results and anniversaries for a long, long time I hope.
I honestly thought I’d have more to say when I sat down to write this, but I think I’ll just keep it short and sweet. I wish you all health and happiness and I hope you have a great week!